獨身

單身了
不過我反而有種鬆口氣的感覺

我有種感覺
就是我們(或許只有我)會因為在意外界觀感
而決定繼續在一起
覺得長跑好幾年在外界來看
會給人很好的印象
我自己覺得
這個決定對雙方都是好的
我也不繼續讓她等待那永遠不會到來的一天:
我無論如何都不會變成會主動關心她的人
因為她無論如何都不會是我主要訴說心事的對象
我試著在她身上找到minority的特質
不過卻無功而返
我也試著跟她訴說我很深層的心事
但得不到共鳴
用她的角度說的話
我也自私夠久了
我從來沒有認真地關心過她
她忍受了我很多獨角的內心小劇場
而讓她在劇場外摸不著頭緒
對於這個
我除了對她感到抱歉
我沒有什麼能彌補的
我也知道在我們身為男女朋友的對話結束後
她一定會難過一場
但我也無能為力
只求她早日走出這一段
開始享受她的單身生活
我們things in common太少了
已經無法激起漣漪了
之前還有樂團
現在連聽的音樂類型都不一樣了
不過或許用她的角度看
我太孤僻了吧 🙂
她想要鎂光燈在我們身上的聚焦
但我倒想要在燈旁暗處角落
凝視人群
還有很大的一個原因
是因為Aquifers
故事裡的Kory跟Jenny就好像我跟她一樣
He (the otter) breathed in and let the smell fill him giddily, and it wasn’t hard to put his arm all the way around Samaki (the fox) and hug him back. No, not hard at all.

And it wasn’t the fact that the fox was gorgeous, or hugging him back, or male, that made it easy, Kory realized in a flash. It was the fact that this was Samaki, his friend, someone who cared about him, whom he cared about in return. That had always been missing from his relationship with Jenny. He’d listened to her crises, told her about his, but she’d never said anything like what Samaki had just said about Kory’s father. He’d never said anything like that to her, either. The connection just hadn’t been there. It was here, in force, crackling between them, pulsing like a living thing. He felt thrilled, terrified, and happier than he’d been in a long, long time.

(quoted from Waterways, Kyell Gold)
總的來說
我很好
我只希望她能夠找到真正喜歡她懂她的伴侶
不要再找一個個性像我以前一樣的了
以往都是被動地接受一切
這次
想要主動追尋

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