深夜獨白/Please Help Me

I asked Edesk to render one of the most important life experiences.

我再一次委託了 Edesk,請他描繪我人生中的一個很重要的時刻。

Please Help Me / 深夜獨白 by Edesk

Please Help Me

This artwork is my commission rendered by Edesk. I can not thank Edesk more.

As of the artwork, I can strongly feel part of myself living in both characters. They reflect my past-time depression and my yearning for a genuine partner that understand me very well. At the same time, they reflect my attempt to become the one who really cares about partners’ well-being, the one who supports at their vulnerable moments, and the one who soothes their deep sadness.

I hope the viewers could find part of themselves in this artwork. They deserve to know that they are not alone.

For those who are interested in the backstory, please read on.

It is strongly based on my story when I was graduated from my Master program and was desperately looking for a job.

Living abroad is never easy, especially when I always assumed that my colleagues, my friends, my family were expecting my successful life in the Silicon Valley — life as a software engineer with very high salary, thrives in a top-tier social network, and always talks about technical jargon, FLAG, start-ups, and creative ideas. During my job search, I always tried to keep up my practices: Leetcode, textbooks, composing a pitch for interviews, and so forth.

Yet by that time I was very confused with my furry identity. This confusion already affect my life for years. I have very few non-furry friends that slightly knows I have some interest in sexy handsome anthros, but they were way beyond my reach, like the other side of the earth. Well, even if I managed to get in touch with them in person, I believe they would not understand my struggle anyway.

I did try to blend in the furry conventions: FWA 14’ in Atlanta and FC 16’ in San Jose. Both cons are great, just that I went there mostly alone and I was so timid to talk to other furries. Large furcons to me almost feels like a job fair, intense and full of socializing. I also tried to attend a furmeet in Santa Clara, but I didn’t know how to even start a conversation with total strangers. The cultural difference was still there. I did make 2 friends though, thanks Rayting and Neil, you guys are awesome.

These struggles piled up and finally led to the breakdown moment shown in the artwork.

I had a displeasing talk with my long-distance girlfriend back then (not her fault, she’s cool, I was not). I hung up, and then I felt nothing — emptiness, null, senseless of self. My brain stopped working, and then my consciousness panicked. I never had such feeling before and that really frightened me.

“Why can’t I feel anything?"
“What should I do to deal with this emptiness?"
“Should I start feeling sad or keep monitoring myself like this?"
“Why I don’t feel like to cuddle wolfbro or play games now?"

“What is WRONG with me?"

Time was frozen, minutes was like forever. My consciousness finally suggested me to lay on the couch and cry.

And then I cried.

It was probably the worst moment in my life.

Then my consciousness suggested me to split myself into two characters, one as a psychiatrist, and one as a patient. I did that, and walked myself through the thick darkness and the long-lasting solitary.

Thank you for reading through this. I highly appreciate it. 🦊

* * *


自從我得到 Edesk 替我設計的小灰狐設定稿之後,我就認定小灰狐的模樣就是這個樣子了——其他繪師所畫的只是他們眼中的小灰狐;只有 Edesk 所畫的,才是我心目中小灰狐的真正模樣。所以我一直很想要請他幫我描繪我人生中的一個重要節點。如今這個作品已經完成,算是了結了我的一個很大的心願吧。真的很謝謝 Edesk。





那是發生在 2015 年到 2016 年之間的事情。





後來我的確在 2015 年的春夏左右在巴哈姆特的一個獸迷論壇開始貢獻我的翻譯文章,以及做一些獸迷相關的探討。這讓我開始很初步地與其他獸迷互動。其中跟我聊最多的大概就是 Buwalki 吧。很感謝他當時願意跟我這個邊緣人定期的電子郵件來往。


在畫裡的那個夜晚,我與我當時的女友透過 Skype 起了一些爭執(其實她挺好的,是我自己出了問題)。掛了通話之後,我發現自己進入了一個很神奇的狀態。我變得毫無情緒、毫無想法。我的腦袋是空的,像是在深不見底的黑洞裡持續下墜著。







非常謝謝你的閱讀。希望你也喜歡這段故事。 🦊

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