疊加態／Superposition

I love/hate myself, as an individual that coexists mindsets on both ends.

我對於自身的疊加態性，又愛又恨。

My pick of BGM: Jonathan Harvey – Mortuos Plango Vivos Voco (1980)

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Superposition

I love/hate superposition.

I fully aware that I can love and hate the same thing at the same time.

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Religion is crucial to those who believe in them. The community builds upon which is even more important as a supportive ecosystem. No matter which religion we’re talking about, Christianity or Islam, Buddhism or Hinduism, they all partially serves a role to make their followers thrive and become mentally better selves. In this perspective, I, as a furry, am no difference from those who holds different beliefs or values.

Before Shu the grey fox is created, before I actively involved in the furry fandom, I was all alone and lonely, I look down on myself, and I don’t feel home when I’m at home. I’ve been through the transition from a furry fan who questions his own identity, to a full-blown furry who is now much more confident and optimistic in himself. You see it’s little to no difference comparing my transition to a Christian’s transition, we all struggled and suffered in the seemingly hopeless life, and then something heals us and makes us a better person.

That doesn’t mean I love the other religions wholeheartedly.

I can understand if the follower needs to strengthen their own mental health, they have to agree upon certain values or beliefs, so that they can be better supported in the religious community. Yet some of the values they hold just makes me uncomfortable or even repelling, whether it be the values on marriage, on gender equality, or even on politics. I can respect their decisions (it better not be mindless ones), but no, I don’t want to get any closer to them. Capital NO. At least deep down in the core of my mind would say that.

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Democracy is important to me because this means free speech. I can not see myself living a country that does not support democracy. I might not be anywhere near to mainstream, I might be a deviant, but I am open-minded and I take communication seriously. I am really willing to have a rational and educated discourse with those who against me, even if our knowledge to solve the disagreement is not well-prepared yet. As long as the opponents are as well open-minded and willling to accept new perspectives, it’s okay if they do not understand my furry identity or my values.

Well, but you know, certain kinds of people exists. They take no responsibility on themselves, they always whine about virtually everything, they just take whatever they want and push away whatever they found distasteful. Communication means fight until win to them, and they’re even more scarier if they were highly educated or from a very wealthy famliy. Democracy does not exist in their dictionary, and crony-capitalism is their middle name (long word but they’re absolutely proud of it).

I wish I could tear them up and shred them into pieces.

Yes I have this impulse deep down in my mind, constantly, but well hidden and restrained. I aware that by having such mindset, I am no longer qualified as an open-minded, democracy-supportive individual. That hate speech above is totally toxic to the free speech ecosystem, and until today this kind of thought still exists and constantly reappears in my deep mind. Yet I can do nothing with it. I’m not going to give up the hate against those, truly deviants, in my humble opinion.

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This is who I am, as a fox who love the benefit of religion and hate the values coming along the religion, who love the importance of free speech and hate the side effect of it.

This is who I am, as a fox who love and hate the coexistence of opposite mindset. Like the design of the pendant reveals.

I have to learn and accept it. Superposition.🦊

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疊加態

我對於疊加態又愛又恨。

疊加態對我而言，就是薛丁格的小灰狐——在同一個時間裡，我既可以對一件事物表達同情，也可以對同一件事物心懷鄙視。

比如說信仰。信仰可以支撐一個人的人格。在我的眼裡，無論是基督教伊斯蘭教佛教，抑或其他未曾聽聞的新興宗教，只要他們沒有訴諸情感綁架或者具備邪教特質，對於透過這些信仰得到救贖的信徒，我是真心懷抱著喜悅的。我跟那些信徒們其實是一樣的：我們原本經歷的，都是無趣、毫無連結，甚至因無助而絕望的人生。但是，對於某些宗教所宣揚的價值觀，無論是神聖婚姻，還是女權問題，倘若某些盲目的信徒就這樣照單全收了，即便我可以同理信徒為了支撐自己的信仰與人格而欣然接受，我內心對於他們這樣的決定，依舊是有著隱晦但非常明確的厭惡。

比如說爸媽。我很厭惡我爸媽在我學生時期對我的管教以及思維的灌輸：為什麼好好的資訊工程不繼續唸，要去唸那個什麼聽都沒聽過的科系，穩定很重要；沒事不要打什麼電動，功課寫完了沒，寫完了趕快預習明天的上課內容；你是皮在癢嗎？（操臺語）（拿起愛的小手打我）（因為回憶不堪，所以我已經主動忘記被打的原因是什麼了）。但是，自閉症的弟弟是我媽一手帶大的。這個原本沒有人知曉如何溝通的弟弟，如今變成了有份工作、有正當興趣、能夠進行簡易對話的「正常人」。即便他們現在收割著往日的辛苦，接受朋友們對他們管教有方的讚美，若我說他們是錯的，難道我是要否定他們二十幾年來為了弟弟所熬過的辛苦日子嗎？

比如說挑惕的審美觀。我很清楚我骨子裡是個很看顏值的人，因為第一印象總是會給我很大的衝擊。面對長相我不適應的人，我需要時時刻刻提醒自己長相不是全部，我才能稍微放下成見與對方溝通與相處。同時，面對那些願意突破傳統審美框架的名人，比如身材非常豐腴的搞笑藝人渡邊直美，比如在奧斯卡紅地毯身穿西裝式魚尾裙禮服的男星 Billy Porter，我一方面對於他們衝撞價值觀的勇氣感到敬佩，一方面卻無法以全然政治正確、跳脫傳統框架的眼光去欣賞他們的出演。我非常厭惡自己保有既定的（甚至是社會所灌輸的）審美觀，卻也無可奈何地在心底深處依舊大方承認這個現象的存在。畢竟審美觀，也是自我的一部分。

其實，自從學會與社會保持距離之後，能夠踩到我底限的事物已經非常少了，很多事情我都可以很坦然地再退一步，只求和諧與尊重。但上面所說深埋在內心裡的、最原始赤裸的好惡，還是時常在內心裡交戰。算是腦內小劇場的其中一齣吧。

回頭仔細端詳我的墜飾。如果說墜飾就是小灰狐最原初的象徵的話，那麼構成墜飾的那兩片銀色幾何的等腰直角三角形，也可以理解為我的疊加態吧。我愛的，是疊在上方的那一片，是八面玲瓏的人格特質，是我想讓大家看見的「人設」。就像我很真切地認為小灰狐總是願意傾聽、如大氣一般寬容、心懷的總是憐憫與慈悲。而疊在下方的那一片，那些被我壓抑、無助於溝通的鄙視，就好好地壓在下面五百年吧，沒有人需要看見它。我恨的，是我的人格裡憐憫與鄙視並存的事實。

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如果我足夠強大的話，我是不是就可以不用處在疊加態了？我只要把所有我討厭的事物抹消掉就好？

如果是的話，那個把所有討厭的事物抹消掉的強大的自己，我就不再恨了嗎？

或者，我必須要學習坦然接受疊加態常駐心中。🦊