I love/hate myself, as an individual that coexists mindsets on both ends.
My pick of BGM: Jonathan Harvey – Mortuos Plango Vivos Voco (1980)
I love/hate superposition.
I fully aware that I can love and hate the same thing at the same time.
Religion is crucial to those who believe in them. The community builds upon which is even more important as a supportive ecosystem. No matter which religion we’re talking about, Christianity or Islam, Buddhism or Hinduism, they all partially serves a role to make their followers thrive and become mentally better selves. In this perspective, I, as a furry, am no difference from those who holds different beliefs or values.
Before Shu the grey fox is created, before I actively involved in the furry fandom, I was all alone and lonely, I look down on myself, and I don’t feel home when I’m at home. I’ve been through the transition from a furry fan who questions his own identity, to a full-blown furry who is now much more confident and optimistic in himself. You see it’s little to no difference comparing my transition to a Christian’s transition, we all struggled and suffered in the seemingly hopeless life, and then something heals us and makes us a better person.
That doesn’t mean I love the other religions wholeheartedly.
I can understand if the follower needs to strengthen their own mental health, they have to agree upon certain values or beliefs, so that they can be better supported in the religious community. Yet some of the values they hold just makes me uncomfortable or even repelling, whether it be the values on marriage, on gender equality, or even on politics. I can respect their decisions (it better not be mindless ones), but no, I don’t want to get any closer to them. Capital NO. At least deep down in the core of my mind would say that.
Democracy is important to me because this means free speech. I can not see myself living a country that does not support democracy. I might not be anywhere near to mainstream, I might be a deviant, but I am open-minded and I take communication seriously. I am really willing to have a rational and educated discourse with those who against me, even if our knowledge to solve the disagreement is not well-prepared yet. As long as the opponents are as well open-minded and willling to accept new perspectives, it’s okay if they do not understand my furry identity or my values.
Well, but you know, certain kinds of people exists. They take no responsibility on themselves, they always whine about virtually everything, they just take whatever they want and push away whatever they found distasteful. Communication means fight until win to them, and they’re even more scarier if they were highly educated or from a very wealthy famliy. Democracy does not exist in their dictionary, and crony-capitalism is their middle name (long word but they’re absolutely proud of it).
I wish I could tear them up and shred them into pieces.
Yes I have this impulse deep down in my mind, constantly, but well hidden and restrained. I aware that by having such mindset, I am no longer qualified as an open-minded, democracy-supportive individual. That hate speech above is totally toxic to the free speech ecosystem, and until today this kind of thought still exists and constantly reappears in my deep mind. Yet I can do nothing with it. I’m not going to give up the hate against those, truly deviants, in my humble opinion.
This is who I am, as a fox who love the benefit of religion and hate the values coming along the religion, who love the importance of free speech and hate the side effect of it.
This is who I am, as a fox who love and hate the coexistence of opposite mindset. Like the design of the pendant reveals.
I have to learn and accept it. Superposition.🦊
比如說挑惕的審美觀。我很清楚我骨子裡是個很看顏值的人，因為第一印象總是會給我很大的衝擊。面對長相我不適應的人，我需要時時刻刻提醒自己長相不是全部，我才能稍微放下成見與對方溝通與相處。同時，面對那些願意突破傳統審美框架的名人，比如身材非常豐腴的搞笑藝人渡邊直美，比如在奧斯卡紅地毯身穿西裝式魚尾裙禮服的男星 Billy Porter，我一方面對於他們衝撞價值觀的勇氣感到敬佩，一方面卻無法以全然政治正確、跳脫傳統框架的眼光去欣賞他們的出演。我非常厭惡自己保有既定的（甚至是社會所灌輸的）審美觀，卻也無可奈何地在心底深處依舊大方承認這個現象的存在。畢竟審美觀，也是自我的一部分。